The pregnancy with Harry had been a struggle from day one- which is a joke considering that he is baby number four. Surely, I was an expert by now…?
On the very day I told Matt that there were two blue lines, he cleared his throat and said, ‘Oh wow! quickly followed by ‘Oh shit, I however, have just had my contract terminated’.
Throughout the whole pregnancy I was paranoid. It just didn’t feel right. Midwives and Doctors kept asking me if was anxious and to be honest I was, but I also just felt that something was going to go wrong.
In the scanning suite was a small ‘counselling room’. From the day of the first scan, through every subsequent one, I just felt that I didn’t want to look at that room. I had gestational diabetes so was scanned a lot. But then I had had that with Ellie, my second child, so the diabetes in itself wasn’t of great concern.
At 36 weeks, finally feeling confident with the pregnancy we went along for a scan. Matt wasn’t supposed to be there but for some reason- can’t remember why, he was. I remember clearly being more worried about my older kids’ forthcoming play, than the scan itself. The play was going to be at the local Theatre, and after a small fortune in fees, Brad finally had got a whole line! I was literally joking with the sonographer, saying that the baby can’t come now- if it does, it will bugger up the kids’ play, when she went horribly quiet.
More people came in, more quiet and then we were ushered into ‘that room’. My head was spinning and I really thought I would faint. They then took us out of a side door and not before telling us that there was a loss of brain component..
They took us to see the Consultant who seemed to be more worried about my diabetes than the fact that we have just been told that our baby has lost a part of his brain (we didn’t know that Harry was a boy at this point). Fortunatly the midwife present in the room (who was also pregnant) basically ignored her and phoned St Georges Hospital (the specalist hospital) then and there.
We were then taken to another room. Seriously I had no idea how many of these little rooms and ‘don’t upset the other Mother’s’ hidden passages hospitals have. They gave us tea and the nice midwife took me to the loo. I then phoned Lucy and my Mum. I don’t remember the conversation but I am sure Lucy does. She hasn’t ever told me what I said, I think I was just hysterical and totally incoherent.
We drove home- in complete shock. To pack a bag and head to St Georges, not knowing whether we would ever get to bring our baby home.